Life is so shitty at the moment. I just want to kill myself and get it over with. I hurt so much more than i ever have and it's not like it used to. It's been 2 months since i last cut, and i want to do it so bad right now. I just want to kill myself, but i don't want to hurt everyone. Anyways i don't know what else to say....

I'm so confuzed right now. Why does he make me feel like this. Bryan showed up this morning, woke me up and we layed in bed wrestling and having a pillow fight. Than he started tickling me and i move around a lot when i'm being tickeled and we ended up really close to kissing and he's like why does it always seem we end up this way. No matter what we do we're always so close in some way. Than everyone went outside for a smoke when we were upstairs and i went up to him and put my arms around him. I was going to kiss him, but i decided not to than he put his hand behind my neck and pulled me into him so he could kiss me. It's so great. I think i'm falling in love with him, but i'm worried about whats going ot happen when his gf gets back from ontario. He'll probably stop coming back and doing all the shit we do. But oh well, thats what i get for messing around with a guy in a relationship already. I just don't know if i want to break up with chris, or keep going out with him and feeling guilty everytime i see bryan. I dunno i'll figure it out.

Things are so confuzing right now. I saw an old friend of mine and he woke me up the other day, stayed almost all day went out for a bit and was back at my house at 12 when i got home. I used to like him so much before when we were in science together. Than that feeling went away because we stopped seeing each other for some reason. Now he's back in my life, he has a gf whos pregnant and she went to ontario for a while so he spent the night at my place and shit happened. I mean we were laying there when he woke me up and we started talking and than i set my hand on the bed and i realized after that i was touching his hand and he's like have you ever noticed no matter what or where we are we're always touching in some way? Than he pulled my close and kissed me and he's like for old times sake. It's so confuzing and than at the mall he told me not to fall in love with him and the night he spent over i told him it's too late i already love him and than he told me not to because he doesn't wanna hurt me because i've been hurt so much.

I want to avoid everyone. I want everyone to leave me alone. I want to die without him. I went to his house today and i couldn't stand being there thinking that might be the last time i see him again. I gave him his stuff back, and i went to give him back an old necklace he had given to me, and i gave him the one i always wear that's his and he told me to keep the old one. I kept repeating to myself in my head to stay strong, don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you cry. Well it worked until the end. I hate this.

I feel dead at the moment. I hate him so much but i still love him. We're over, well actually we're on a break but the marjority of ppl don't get back together. I can't stop crying, i'm going to miss him so much. Thats the only reason that kept me from cutting, i didn't want to lose him but he's gone anyways. I wish i could hurt him the way he's hurt me.. i don't wanna say much more so i'll be back later.

I'm going to start crying again. I hate when i cry. Things have been good too, i got a neckalce, a pair of ear rings and a ring from my bf, but i'm still worried about him wanting to be with someone else. I wouldn't be able to help myself if i lost him. He never seems to want to come to my house anymore. I don't blame him but it would be nice to see him here once in a while. He says he doesn't have any money, and can't get the van, and doesn't wanna rollerblade over. I hate when he says that, it makes me seem like an inconveince to see. Than i start to beg, and i hate myself for doing it, but i can't help it. I wanna see him so bad but i can't. It seems like i'm fairly alone at the moment. It sucks... meh whatever it's life............

" I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? "

Some days i wish i didn't need him in my life, (like today). I actually don't want to be alive today. I wish it would end, but i'm not going to go anything about it because i told him i wouldn't hurt myself anymore. He says that's whats causing the problems in our relationship, but i'm not sure if i want to be with him now. If he was thinking about cheating on me, leaving me, or wanting an open relationship i don't know if it's worth being with him. I know i say that now but if i see him i won't feel that way. When i see him i lose all my strength and i don't usually say what i want to, i say what won't hurt him or make things difficult. I didn't want to let him go last night. I didn't want to leave his arms. I love the way he touches me, which for like the past month or so he hasn't. Not the way i want to be touched anyways. He wouldn't put his arms around me, he wouldn't hold me, and when he did it felt like he didn't want to. Except for last night, last night he held me tight, he played with my hair, he rubbed my shoulders. It felt like he wanted to be with me. I wish it was like that all the time.

Great.. here we go again... i went to bed and i could still smell him all over me. I could feel his lips kissing me and his hands wondering across my body. I can still hear him call me baby. I practically soaked my bed in colagne so i wouldn't smell him when i woke up.  I didn't want to do it, but maybe it was my fault because i didn't yell or i didn't scream or kick or fight like i probably should have. I just kept pushing him away saying no, i can't, i have to go. He just said come on it'll be quick. I went to get up and he grabbed my legs and told me to lay down. It wouldn't have happened if my boyfriend had come over. I really needed to seem him yesterday, but he doesn't seem to care. I wouldn't have the gashes on my wrist, i wouldn't be feeling like shit. He's gone swimming now... it's not like he really fucking cares. Whatever

I can't stop. I feel like i'm going nuts. I've been missing my ex more lately. I think i still love him. Is it really possible to be in love with two people at the same time? I don't know. I love my boyfriend, but now that i've been seeing my ex more things have started to change. It's good seeing him again, but it also makes me wonder if i did the right thing breaking up with him. I don't know. I'm broken. I feel like i am anyways. Sometimes i feel strong, sometimes i don't. I don't know, i think i'm going to write my bf a note explainning somethings.  It's getting kind of tiring always going to his place to see him. Everytime i ask him to come see me he says he has no money. I'm confuzed. I don't know.. i don't want things to end, but at the same time i catch myself thinking about my ex more.

Here i am again wondering why he always wants me to go to his house. I asked him to come over today cuz i was making dinner and shit and by the time i got done doing that, and eating and what not there's not really a point to me going out because i'll shortly after getting there. He says he has no money to go out, well i remember him saying to me that if i moved with my dad (which is all the way across the city) that he'd come see me everyday basically. Well how the hell is he going to do that with no money??????? I find myself missing my ex the more i talk to him. I walked with him to work yesterday, and yeah it was fun. It was like old times, and he started bugging me about feeling ripped off cuz i didn't give him a hug lol. It was fun. Sometimes i find myself laying awake at night and thinking about him. Wishing he was with me. Than i feel really bad for thinking about him when i should be thinking about my bf. It's just not the same. In a way thats good, but in a way it's bad. I miss the good things with my ex. Now it seems that he's gotten most of his shit together and he doesn't seem that depressed and what not which was a major part of us breaking up. I'm so confused now that he's back in my life, and it's not like i can talk to my best friend about it because she doesn't know i'm talking to him. The only person i can trust talking about it with is Greg. I don't know what to do anymore.. i love him.. but i miss my ex...